what money taught me too early

what childhood scarcity teaches you about fear, safety and rewriting your money story

It’s Christmas season again, which basically means buying presents, consuming more than usual and wanting new things we probably don’t need. Not for everyone, of course, but for many people around us. And since I’m a little Grinch at heart (more on that in another post), this time of year reminded me of my not-so-healthy relationship with money.

— barbara ♡

Money shapes us long before we understand what it even is. Some lessons stay with us for life.

I keep telling myself I need to change my beliefs about money. I say it hoping my financial situation will magically improve if I just think differently. I hate that money plays such a big role in my life and that, in most moments, it feels like something to worry about.

where my story with money began

I did not grow up with much money. At first I did not realize it. I only knew my life. Me, my parents and no siblings. But the older I got, the clearer it became that we did not have a lot.

My friends went on vacation every year. They never had to ask whether they could join class trips. They lived in beautiful apartments with beautiful furniture.

My parents did everything they could so I would not feel like I was missing anything. I am grateful for that now. Only as an adult do I understand what it must have meant for them to make all of this possible. What they had to give up. Both of them had simple jobs. They were proud of their work and never missed a day. They worked constantly so I could have a good life.

Like many children and teenagers, I was not grateful at the time. I wanted more so I could have what everyone else had. Capitalism starts early. The more you have, the more you belong. If you do not have it, you feel outside of everything.

Money separates people. It creates different worlds and different realities.

the fear that followed me into adulthood

So it is no surprise that my relationship with money is complicated. I do not know how to feel safe with it, even when I have enough. The worry is always there. It never leaves.

I have student loans I am still paying off. When I look at my account, all I see is the large minus I owe the bank. It is never a plus, even though I live a good life.

I can finally travel, more than my parents ever could. I have a cozy apartment. I can order food and buy clothes when I need them. Not constantly, not endlessly, not luxuriously, but enough.

And enough is what I want.

What I really want is to stop being afraid of money. This would be my kind of luxury.

trying to soften my relationship with money

In this society you are more, and you achieve more, when you have money. Everything seems to revolve around it whether we like it or not. We are inside the system. It is man-made and often cruel, and it is hard to feel good about something that causes so much harm.

Still, I try.
I try because the worry exhausts me.

I try to see money as a tool. Something that allows me to shape my life and live the way I want to. I try to focus on what money can bring me, not on the money itself. Money is only a thing containing the possibilities of your life, and I want to experience those possibilities. And I’m not talking about fancy cars, designer clothes, or trips to the Maldives.

Sometimes I wonder if you can tell the universe you are ready for money. That it can flow toward you. That you are a magnet for it. Not for the money itself, but for the opportunities that come with it.

living inside a system I did not choose

I said capitalism is terrible, and I mean it. I hate it. But refusing to participate will not change my situation. What I want is to use money for my joy and the well-being of others. Because money makes many things possible, even inside a flawed system.

So I focus on what I can control.
Putting into words what is possible.
Connecting money not only with fear but also with options and dreams.
Turning something heavy into something good.

Because many people worry about money. More than we admit.

We all want to feel safe with money.
Why would we not?
It is a kind of freedom. Not happiness, not health, but freedom. And freedom changes the way you live.

the promises we are sold

It fascinates me how many coaches and online gurus promise that anyone can make 100k a year within a few months. The sky is the limit, they say.

But I always want to hear the real stories. Were they ever truly without money, maybe even in debt? Did they have safety nets, people who supported them, enough savings to take risks? Or is everything they show us just fake?

Because starting points matter. Luck matters. It starts with the family you were born into. No one climbs from the same foundation. That is the part no one likes to say out loud.

Some people need ten times more luck than others.
And yes, sometimes it works out. Sometimes it becomes this wild success story everyone loves to talk about.

I still believe that even the most broke, in-debt person can build a successful business and earn good money. But it takes time. Years, sometimes decades. No overnight miracle nonsense. And sometimes it doesn’t work out at all. That’s life.
That is the truth hiding behind all the glossy promises.

toward a gentler, safer way to live with money

So I choose something smaller and more real.
I choose to believe in my own possibility.
I choose to rewrite the story I inherited.
Step by step.
With patience and grace for myself.

I choose to use money with intention instead of fear.

I want to see money as something that moves me forward instead of holding me back.
Something that opens my life instead of narrowing it.
Taking the good parts out of something so twisted.

I want to feel safe with money.
Not because I have a lot (yet), but because I trust myself with whatever I have.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post, if you feel like sharing. 💌

Thank you for being here and meeting my words with yours. I’m endlessly grateful for this little corner we share. 🤍